The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Meanwhile in Portland…
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.