There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
You Might Also Like
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?