There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
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Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.