You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
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Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing