sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
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[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.