There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me in tagged photos
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.