@JakeNicholas: There's a man at the mall wearing cargo pants and a fanny pack, who I believe is in the process of becoming a suitcase.
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@just_evolved: When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
@Douchekevin: SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren't home...
@qwertying: Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.