9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.