My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.