Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
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[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.