William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
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Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Oh we’ve met.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk