What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Tier 3 meme
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
The little toadstool has spoken.