THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 馃槶
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
*swipes right on my hand mirror
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y鈥檃ll doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y鈥橝LL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that鈥檚 better
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I鈥檒l put it in the fridge. They can鈥檛 find anything in there.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world