Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Pikachu found the lost joint
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light