I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
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My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.