There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally