There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.