We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
put ‘er there pardner!