There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
You Might Also Like
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?