There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
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Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH