“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Good boy 😂😂
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
thank god the sign was there
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”