An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
When your best mate counts as a desk too
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.