There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud