There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
You Might Also Like
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call