There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
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In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”