There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
You Might Also Like
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
yeah not falling for this one
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Watson was Holmes schooled
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?