Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit