There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️