@Courtniss_: There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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@WheelTod: "Children can be very cruel," I reassure my 6 year-old. "But sometimes it seems like you aren't even trying."
@dubiousrhetoric: KILLER [burying me alive]: ME: I appear to be in... grave danger. KILLER [calls the police]:
@Underchilde: They say they’re free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.
@gabemakesmusic: I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming "That's not what I said!"