@Courtniss_: There's a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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@BlindChow: WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux? ME: u said to groom him WIFE: i meant brush ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding's off DOG: this is bullshit
@meganamram: When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it's like what am i, your maid
@JoParkerBear: MOM: How are you doing? ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing! MOM: Really?! ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!