@Snarfernini: There's a spider in my bathroom. I neither can kill it or capture it, so now it has its very own room in my house to raise its spider family
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@ericsshadow: WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me ME: she's a liar WIFE: are you saying her dog didn't die? ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
@MommaUnfiltered: If you start your emails with "Greetings" let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
@weinerdog4life: Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost