Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
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My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Go girl power!
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky