I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
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I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.