There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
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Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
So true for me
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”