@DaveTheAlbino: There's absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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@BuckyIsotope: Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
@ilovepie84: "LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!" -Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.
@cramoska: Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards: "Thank You" Get well "soon" "Congratulations" on the "baby"
@MariyaAlexander: Whenever people say they're willing to do "whatever it takes" to "make it in Hollywood" they never mean "patiently work on their craft".