@DaveTheAlbino: There's absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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@ArfMeasures: ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m COP: You don't need an alibi, you're not a suspect ME: I know, I'm just telling everyone
@krissywillbretz: Searched my teens room for drugs, was told "you don't give me enough money for drugs." I don't know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: GF told me she wanted to write her "biography" & I said "autobiography" & now there's a chapter where I sleep at my place.