There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
😂💯
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables