There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
If a snake ate a cake
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday