There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!