“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
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“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap