[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
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As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
do what now??
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”