@djr_102: There's an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.
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@iGreenMonk: When someone tell me , "long time no see" i usually reply, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
@ArfMeasures: ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100 ME: 100..99..98 ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what? ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
@SvetySveta: Daughter made me a dish: Me, swallowing: Mmm, it's so delicious! And even smells like strawberries! Her: It's because of the shampoo.