*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
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Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it