Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
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I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”