@LisaMcAlister1: There's an opening for a scapegoat at our office. I think you'd be perfect for the job.
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@TheCatWhisprer: A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
@kentgrossarth: Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick? Me: Nope, you're the first one. Gf: What? Me: What?
@TheTweetOfGod: The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.