Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Do not levitate over flowers
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.