There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
“i miss shittin on people”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.