There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
the composer
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]