“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’