@NervousJr: There's awkward, and then there's listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
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@JoshuaHvr: Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I'm Tweeting." Boss: "What's the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
@bobsin: Paranoid? Nope. I'm just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
@slimmy_shady: If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
@dadamantium: Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know? Him: Yeah. Me: Want another juice box, bro? Him: Yeah. 3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.