My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
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(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I drew y’all a little something.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Not all heroes wear capes.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.