There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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Hitlers gonna hitl
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning