There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Not my job 😂
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off