@_itspat_: There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: I don't like my princess shoes with the heels. Me: Do they hurt your feet? 5-year-old: I can't run from zombies.
@hippieswordfish: THERAPIST: how do you feel ME: with my hands THERAPIST: no, like on the inside ME: ohhh...idk probably kinda squishy and weird
@JosesLovesYou: "O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!" ~ Japanese flag designer