2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?