There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
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Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”