There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
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Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Finally!
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*