There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.